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  • Grace-Anne Banbury

Meet Evangeline, Shalom, & Mercy!

Updated: Mar 1, 2022

Hellllllllllllooooo folks,

With Jonny Cash blasting in one ear and my darling mother in the other, I shall begin my ramblings of rubbish.

And just as I put that down, Roseanna started blending the soup for tea.

Today folks I had to master bravery as I turn to my greatest of tormenters. They make Faith look docile. (Possibly this is most likely because there is a massive grand total of three) Let me rephrase that… I LIVE WITH THREE KIDDOS THAT ARE ALL UNDER THE AGE OF 8!!!!!THREE CHILDREN THAT ARE ALLLLLLLLLLLL UNDER THE AGE OF FREAKING 8!!!!!

How am I still standing? Hell folks, how is my mum still standing? I mean she even went ahead and had another one! Which basically means there’s gonna be a 4 one day!!!!! 4 ONE DAY! HELLOOOO!!! We’re going to have to survive that!

The frighteningly, frightful, grisly, extremely, draughting threesome have ages that range from 3 to 7. And I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you all that the youngest one is the biggest scintillaterlator of the lot.

They enjoy (profusely) taking really expensive no. 7 lipsticks that cost poor penniless teens a FREAKING £15!!!! (very very sore subject.) After this terrible theft (which breaks more than one of God’s commandments,) they then go on to paint the walls, ruining beautiful, placid, and extremely boring magnolia paintwork that so graciously graces our house with extreme sophistication.

This starts a beautiful cycle with both Mum and Dad either breaking a blood vessel or having a heart attack. (very sadly the heart attacks and broken blood vessel’s are not results of extreme wonder at this new and completely original artwork. But more because of the red lipstick ( once it was poo) ( completely unforgettable) that now makes the kitchen look like a slaughterhouse.) While they howl in agony and pain at the destructive ruins of they’re once plain and monotonous magnolia walls, Evangeline The Excruciating, Electrifying, Exceptional, Extraordinaire, Shalome, The Scary, Startlingly Sharp, Spine-Chiller, and Mercy The Menacing, Miraculously-Unmerciful, Monster are upstairs running a bath. And to those who have kiddos you will know that water spells trouble from MILES AWAY!!!! To those who don't have kiddos thats a warning. THEY ARE NOT ALL CHUBBY CHEEKS AND TOOTHLESS SMILES. Actually they are, less-of-the-time.

Getting to THE very eventful bath (which should have made the headlines, but very sadly didn’t because the BBC were busy following Boris Johnson’s recovery from “covid”.)

I need to explain the bath first so you understand just what a total devastation it turned out to be.

1st off, we have a really really big bath. So big that when there was 6 of us, we all fit.

I would show a pic but there is quite a few little pink backsides (the water was rather hot) in it and I don’t want to scare you all mental.

2ed we’ve had the bath for AGES!!! Meaning that all the glue on the side that fills the gap between the tiles and bath has kinda given up the ghost.

Meaning if you get water over the sides it will run into the ridge, then down the ridge and leak into the electric box, ( which is right underneath) meaning the electricity gets wet and therefore we lose power. Mentally, physically and electrical wise.

So when this terribly fearsome threesome decided to have a girlie giggles bubble bath, it turned into the ferrous drowning of all electric in the house, plunging us into darkness.

Technically, it was Mercy The Menacing, Miraculously-Unmerciful, Monster who had the idea that jumping into a bath that has LOTS of water in it would create a beautiful wave and also clean the bathroom floor. And to be honest if I would be able to get away with it I’d do the same.

Not being technical it was my fault.

What makes this sad tale of woo so terribly sad is the horrible fact that I will loathe to the day I die.

I was gifted/cursed by being the oldest/person blamed by whatever is not supposed to happen.

A job that does have pros and a few cons. It just so happens that occasionally the cons outweigh the pros.

And in this destructive day of catastrophes the cons were defiantly outweighing the pros.

Because apparently I (ME!!!) was supposed to be looking after the little devils instead of planning the death and demolition of spiders. (Something I've still not come up with)

So it was ME that got a scary talk about responsibilities and the telling that my coming of adulthood was just around the corner and it was time I started acting my oldness of age.

And with the weight of the world on my shoulders I think it is time I change the subject, because this seems to be getting incurably depressing.

Evangeline The Excruciating, Electrifying, Exceptional, Extraordinaire, is AWESOME!!!!!!! (Among quite a few other things as well.)

She likes the colour pink...WOAH TO MUCH PINK!!!!!! As a fun fact to all lovers of fun facts and pink, pink is a colour put on prison walls because according to goggle it reduces the erratic behaviour in prisoners. But I can't verify that for you. Yet...

She prefers chocolate cake to carrot cake. Is a mass lover of sweets, and has an obsession with going to post offices. She is a proper girlie girl, likes shopping, (something we have in common) has the softest hair on planet earth and also a earth-shattering screech.

She can pretend cry, something she uses to a great advantage and one of the deadliest weapons she just so happens to have. Because nothing will turn mum and dads head then a few tears. (I did have a go, it was going to be one of the skills I picked up in lockdown, but very sadly all I ended up getting was concussion.)

She is quick, spunky with lots of sparkle and when we grow we are going to do ballet together.

And without further ado I move on to……

Shalome, The Scary, Startlingly Sharp, Spine-Chiller, is DEFINITELY scary, startlingly sharp, and spine-chilling.

In DEFINITELY more ways then one.—Here I am inserting a nod of great wisdom.-

Shalom is very smart. Academically….

In fact SHE FINDS SCHOOL FUN!!!!! SHE FINDS SCHOOL FUN ❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️ I mean school…❗️Every parents tool of great death, damnation and cruel imprisonment❗️- sorry mum, I know you try…BUT… I mean short division??!!! AND THEN LONG DIVISION!!!! HELLLLLOOOO… I ONLY just got my head around the short stuff. And with a massive huff of great indignation at the treatment of this GREAT inhumanity I shall turn back to Shalomie…..

Shalome prefers coffee cake to carrot cake.

Also has a massive obsession with post offices. And is a pain in the rear end when you take her shopping because SHE WANTS EVERYTHING!!!!!!

She also has a piercing screech that will rip your ear drum in half, causing you to not hear your parents calling for you. So hey when life gives you lemons, go find a lemonade recipe.

She cannot pretend cry ( praise the lord, ones enough.)

But what she can do is ruffle my feathers. The wrong way. A lot. For those who are not cornish and don’t understand the weridness and altogether wonderfulness of our werid and wonderful cornishmen phrases. À ruffling of the feathers means, a great big fat ANNOYANCE!!!!! Shalome has beautiful skinny legs and if they stay that way Angelina Jodie is gonna be jealous as will I and the rest of my sisters. Shalom is sweet, squeaky, very huggy, and…alright.

Mercy The Menacing, Miraculously-Unmerciful, Monster.

Folks, can we all please keep in mind that looks CAN BE DECEIVING.

Apart from when your looking at stuff like green spinach🤢, ewwww that stuff just makes you cringe.

Mercy The Menacing, Miraculously-Unmerciful, Monster likes all cake. And there is no its, ahhhhhs, or buts about Mercy's love for cake. Or biscuits. ESPECIALLY BISCUITS!!!!

Mercy has (to no ones surprise) a massive crush on all post offices. ESPECIALLY ALL POST OFFICES THAT SELL CAKES AND BISCUITS.

The latest craze is yogurt.

And not just boring old plain greek yogurt that cost only £1.50, we are talking about expensive creamy yogurt piled high with super artificial flavour, and EXTREME arterial colourings, and loads and LOADS of sugar.

Much to everyones horror and dismay... Because a biscuit or half a cake -Mercy never takes a little slice, it has to be HALF the cake- may drop a couple crumbs BUT a yogurt that is getting shovelled in-in a way that resembles a farm girl shovelling out her horses poop-and trust me I know all about farm girls shovelling out ANY KINDA POOP- normally ends up all over the floor,- shovelling yogurt in can sometimes lead to a lot of missing of the target-what doesn't hit the floor will remain all around the mouth and what does end up in the mouth will no doubt block the loo sometime later in the day.

Mercy The Menacing, Miraculously-Unmerciful, Monster has not yet developed THE piercing screech that most kids have, but I have a terrible feeling in my bones that by the time she reaches 5 she’ll have it.

Something else Mercy doesn’t do THAT much is ruffle my feathers. But then she is the ADORABLE 3. AT THE MOW.

Mercy The Menacing, Miraculously-Unmerciful, Monster has beautiful blue eye. Stunning blond hair, and a awesome nose.

Shes quick, annoying, delightful, adorable, and annoying….

And here folks I’m signing off… hopefully everyone here has a general gist of what I have to deal with….and a thousand apologies for a verrrrrrreyyyyyyy late update. Terribly sad PHONE BANN!!!! I mean HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE THE HORRORS OF NO!!!! PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE 21st century and we live in the supposedly CIVILISED UK!!!! Anyway my dear understanding-hopefully- sympathetic readers I have hopefully gained with that wonderfully colourful excuse that is DRASTICALLY TRUE some measure of true understanding, sympathetic ness, and through agreement that I am being treated totally inhumanly!!!! I mean OOOOOOKKKKKKK I did possibly throw a chicken leg at my mums head but that was only because she was being a pain in not only the backside, BUT also the front side, left side and right side. And yes that is DEFINITELY A GOOD ENOUGH EXCUSE. THANKYOU VERY MUCH!

You know with that off my head I feel really refreshed….

Love y’a and congrats on surviving that!😍

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